'' Hari-hari kan, macam budak keciklah u ni''
This sentence was uttered several times. How does it felt by the way? Yes, it hurts baby. Until now.
There's too much of your words, your actions, that I can't explain yet I always have this thought ''You don't love me''. I will cry, I will put all the blame to myself. I was scared. You drove me crazy. Been thinking I am going to lose you. You can always say the ''bad thoughts'' seems haunting me all the time. You can mad at me. Being very upset. Ignore me. But, I don't want to lose you. I've lost you before. Read it again. I've lost you before.
I can accept all your flaws. I can learn how to adapt to your way. I can do everything!
Every time when all the ''bad thoughts'' comes around, plus with your hurtful words, I will persuade myself. I will read again your sweetness texts cause I want those belief that I have, return back, and I will realize you always love me. I can pretend my feelings as long as I can talk to you.
I miss you. I miss how you need me all the time, how you miss me all nights, how you treat me. Is it a fault when I want it back?
And every time I wanted to be away from you, I could not. I was scared you'll leave me. I can't live without you. And, this fear always coming when one day I found something, something that can change your heart anytime any moment. I am scared.
I should be grateful. I have made a promise to myself, at the time you came and saved my life, I promised I don't want anything from you, whatever you want I won't say no, as long as you will be here for me. And I am thankful for all the things you did. I appreciated that darling. You never know how I appreciated that.
I want you to know, I was doing this bad attitude because I am scared. I want you to understand this only damn thing. I am scared. I'm always feeling scared of losing you.
I know, tomorrow I will regret for posting this. I want to talk about this long time ago, but I always ended up with "never mind''. Once again, cause I was scared, I didn't want your heart changes.
I am sorry. I know I was sorry for thousand times but I can't help myself. I am suck in writing, in everything. I don't know how to explain myself. Especially to you. My self-confidence seems faded.
I need to learn how to trust you. I want to trust you. I really want to.
I love you so much. And, no one can replace you. No one.
